The War on Waistlines

 

America is waging a covert war. A war so devious that you may not even know it exists. A war that is at least in good taste. A tasty war – This is the War on Waistlines.

One thing that I have learned from my time here in the States is that there is such a thing as a free lunch. This is conditional of course on you being an intern and being in the vicinity of a meeting or public talk. If you can find one of these events and would rather make yourself heavier than your wallet lighter then I suggest you stake one of these out. Oft times your office (if interning) will hold a meeting, if so, attend, find a nice chair and follow the meeting intently (failing this learn to sleep with your eyes open). After a while you will begin to notice others bringing in trays of food wrapped in clingfilm. This clingfilm will soon be removed and your patience will be rewarded. There are some so accustomed to the free lunch that they can hear clingfilm being removed at one hundred paces.

The typical Washington buffet lunch will include the generic leafy salad. The prime purpose of this is to mitigate the guilt from what the rest of your plate will contain. Sandwiches are becoming less prominent, losing ground to the wrap. Wraps will come in turkey, ham and other (vegetarian) and will usually be a variety of colours (green wrap for vegetarian, brown for turkey…) Fortunately these colours do not affect the taste and only serve to liven up the black or white disposable plate that is now your best friend.

These wraps will be parked next to a fruit salad. Unlike fruit salads in Ireland that usually come from a can and in chunks a political buffet lunch will consist of copious amounts of Pineapple, Strawberry and Melon. Cantaloupe melon is ubiquitous as a filler fruit but luckily these fruit mixes contain enough strawberry, pineapple and blueberry to make these superfluous. Sometimes Honey Dew Melon will feature which is a much tastier filling Cantaloupe.

The next stop for most people and the first start for others is the brownie and cookie tray. This tray will contain three rows of cookies, chocolate chip, raisin and oatmeal. The raisin fans among us will be glad to hear that patience will not decrease your chances of getting your cookie of choice. The same cannot be said for chocolate chip fans where fast acting and a general disregard for lines will pay delicious dividends. The brownies will be in two colours. Light brown with chocolate chips or dark chocolate brown with walnuts. Both are equally good.

After sweeping the lunch buffet one will want something to wash down this feast with.  Luckily a soft drink or “soda” table will be provided. Here one will find most mainstream sodas: Coke, Sprite, Orange Soda (of some brand) and their diet equivalents. From my experience 7UP is a rare occurrence for some reason. At this point one may feel inclined towards the diet variety to minimize calorific penance. If one is a diet coke fan then it is best to act quickly. In Washington diet coke is treated like nectar and it will invariably be the first drink to be used up fully. If scrupples do not factor in decision making then one may be inclined in taking more than one diet coke (or indeed other soft drink) but remember other people will not appreciate this. Don’t get caught.

After this gourmet gamut all one has to do is find a comfortable chair and Bon Appétit. Your Wallet – 1 Overpriced food shops – 0 (Your waist – 0).

 

Derwin Brennan Bio.